My computer is absolutely fucked. Any application I run will inevitably crash within five minutes of use. In fact, a few moments ago I launched Microsoft Notepad to compile a top ten list of actresses I could bang to yield the most shocking party stories and the goddamn application – fucking NOTEPAD – crashed four times. Yes, this list may be part of a future post if you’re lucky. And, yes, the lovely Bette Midler is definitely top five.
In case you’re wondering – and you probably are somewhat curious seeing as though you’re reading a post titled “My Computer Crashes All The Time” and you’ve made it to the second breathtaking paragraph – the following applications crashed while writing these first sentences: Windows Media Player (two times), Microsoft Word (four times), Firefox (3 times), Windows Explorer (one time) and Windows XP (one time). I’m not even joking. I can’t use certain applications (iTunes, I’m glaring at you) or get through YouTube videos longer than 30 seconds.
Some people ask me, “Hey, MKM, how can you stand working on your super-sweet computer? Why don’t you do something to fix the problems?” A great pair of questions indeed. Truthfully, the consistent crashes have improved my end-user experience – and my life – dramatically, much like when I finally discovered Magic: The Gathering will never get me blow jobs …even though my “Madness” deck rules (Wild Mongrel FTW).
Don’t believe me? Well, for one thing I’m becoming increasingly passionate about my computing tasks. For instance, I tried watching an 8-minute out-take video on Mega64 and I wanted to email the creators to say, “hey, I liked your video so much that it took me a half hour to watch because my computer is fucked up and crashes every 30 seconds.” If that’s not brimming with passion, I don’t know what is.
Even the most menial tasks – like increasing my secondary monitor’s screen resolution to view high-resolution pictures of people fucking without scrolling – are overly challenging. However, conquering these challenges yields intrinsic and extrinsic rewards, both of which I crave. For the situation above, I feel the satisfaction of a job completed and enjoy browsing porn exerting as little energy as possible. Imagine the joy produced by successfully downloading a full album off BitTorrent. A veritable volcano of happiness. But not one of those sleeping ones. I’m talking about explosions and death – pleasant, happy death.
Well, shit.
I just lost an entire paragraph chalk-full of solid gold. I’m not even kidding. It opened with a brief argument discussing the social struggles of Balki Bartokomous, then continued on to explore Larry Appleton’s love of peanut butter. Somehow, the paragraph ended by detailing a novelty dance (obviously the Dance of Joy) performed by the two Perfect Stranger stars and Mr. Munch, the keyboard virtuoso who fronts Munch’s Make Believe Band. I’ve tried rewriting my mini-masterpiece but it’s no use; the rewrites lack the same pizzaz of the original. Your loss.
Data loss is expected, but I’ve developed a safety net: hitting CTRL-S to save my work every few seconds. I’ve been doing so well tonight, but anything involving Perfect Strangers requires me to be “totally in the zone”. You may claim that consciously remembering to hit CTRL-S stifles creativity by requiring mental interruptions, but I assure you this is not the case. In fact, it aids my creativity by providing breaks to review my last words …every few seconds. This way I can catch myself before I type something really retarded. It seems to be working wonderfully. I mean, who gives a shit about Perfect Strangers anyways?
Some people say I should switch to a MacBook. I like that idea because then I can buy a scarf and act pretentious in coffee shops as I type my stupid thoughts and not drink coffee, but I don’t know. Something tells me I’d still have maddening issues with a MacBook as well; instead of constantly crashing, it might constantly give birth to chinchillas. At first, it may be a welcome feature …but then my apartment would be bursting with chinchillas and their poop, and they’d be dying because I can’t afford to feed thousands of chinchillas so they’d resort to cannibalism and then sleeping would be difficult because I’d be listening to chinchillas feasting on each other all night. Then I’d probably be slapped with some sort of fine for being inhumane.
Chinchillas are stupid.
Early History
Before the Internet as we know it, there existed a variety of bulletin board systems and other methods of communication via computer terminal over dial-up. Although these systems were created primarily to exchange favorite D&D battle yarns and play email chess, they also allowed users to share their rich collections of ASCII porn.
Behold:
( . )( . )
The breasts.
(_ | _)
The butt.
(Side note: Isn’t it strange how boobs and asses look similar?)
Web 1.0
This important stage of the Internet brought us the modern graphical web browser which supported rich full-color porn, bringing hardcore fucking to the masses. Thousands of children lost their innocence too early and millions of adults discovered erotic fetishes they never thought existed, including yiffing. It was a grand, global learning experience.
Modern Internet technologies began to support online commerce, meaning users could now purchase huge glass dildos and soft fake vaginas from the privacy of their computer dens. The most noteworthy union of huge fake tits and commercialism was the Real Doll, which revolutionized the sex lives of UNIX administrators around the globe. Other sectors of business attempted to jump onto the virtual bandwagon, with most ultimately failing because consumers generally only purchase things that make them cum.
Web 2.0
As computer technologies continued advancing at breakneck speeds, websites began integrating ridiculous animations and treating their pages like desktop applications, rendering 98% of the Internet unusable. A technology called Flash forced website visitors to sit through shitty animated intros before entering actual sites. A technology called AJAX dynamically updated web pages using painfully slow JavaScript animations, effectively rendering “back” buttons useless.
This era of the Internet is noted for advancing the more “social” aspects of the web – self-publishing, file sharing, and networking – granting users the ability to upload photos of themselves vomiting fish tacos outside their Cancun motels for billions of strangers to masturbate to. Blogging became a popular medium for sharing deep dark secrets to anyone who cared to read, which was usually nobody.
Web 3.0
Building upon the social networking initiative, this iteration of the Internet melded content, metadata, and sophisticated web services in technological matrimony to create the Semantic Web, a complete clusterfuck of information. It was now easier than ever to access sexy videos from any point on the Internet, using any connected device available. This often led to accessing tentacle rape porn via web-enabled toaster ovens.
Thanks to a global effort involving a partnership between Rogers, Google, and Red Lobster, everyone in the world was granted a plot on the web to maintain their virtual identity, and a generous allowance of Cheddar Bay Biscuits. Fueled by these cheesy delights, the content composing the Internet began to closely resembled that of downtown Detroit: There was tons of stuff to do, but nothing you’d want to get into.
Web 4.0
At long last, the state of computing hardware finally caught up to the speed of information, allowing for cheap, complete Internet immersion. The standard workstation was comprised of a large, plastic, airtight bubble with an interior lined with liquid displays. While entirely connected to the world, people were no longer required to be in physical contact with another human being. Ever.
In fact, these “Bubblenodes” doubled as affordable housing for most people – many who opted never to leave their pleasure paradises. Days were spent jacked-in and jacking off while work was completed at remote locations by pawn cyborgs and data critters. A virtual global currency was created based on the bit. Everyone was happily isolated.
Web 5.0
Web 6.0
The dawn of this era began with a social breakthrough called “physio-tangibility”, which involved two or more people occupying close, adjacent physical spaces while communicating. Understandably, this was a radical idea for most humans as their perceptions of digital and physical worlds blurred into a single universe. Other humans questioned the legality of the idea, citing amendments and risks involved with leaving their cyber slices.
This new method of information sharing awakened senses and emotions that laid dormant for decades. A simple physical touch began to surpass radio messages in importance. Smells released chemicals that overwhelmed the body and mind, causing lightheadedness and fainting. Tasting was divine. People began sharing fresh ideas. Intimate ideas. Reproduction.
A 300-kilometer whirlpool opened east of Socotra in the Indian Ocean. People traveled thousands of miles to heave circuit board bundles into the sea.
