Early History

Before the Internet as we know it, there existed a variety of bulletin board systems and other methods of communication via computer terminal over dial-up. Although these systems were created primarily to exchange favorite D&D battle yarns and play email chess, they also allowed users to share their rich collections of ASCII porn.

Behold:

( . )( . )

The breasts.

(_ | _)

The butt.

(Side note: Isn’t it strange how boobs and asses look similar?)

Web 1.0

This important stage of the Internet brought us the modern graphical web browser which supported rich full-color porn, bringing hardcore fucking to the masses. Thousands of children lost their innocence too early and millions of adults discovered erotic fetishes they never thought existed, including yiffing. It was a grand, global learning experience.

Modern Internet technologies began to support online commerce, meaning users could now purchase huge glass dildos and soft fake vaginas from the privacy of their computer dens. The most noteworthy union of huge fake tits and commercialism was the Real Doll, which revolutionized the sex lives of UNIX administrators around the globe. Other sectors of business attempted to jump onto the virtual bandwagon, with most ultimately failing because consumers generally only purchase things that make them cum.

Web 2.0

As computer technologies continued advancing at breakneck speeds, websites began integrating ridiculous animations and treating their pages like desktop applications, rendering 98% of the Internet unusable. A technology called Flash forced website visitors to sit through shitty animated intros before entering actual sites. A technology called AJAX dynamically updated web pages using painfully slow JavaScript animations, effectively rendering “back” buttons useless.

This era of the Internet is noted for advancing the more “social” aspects of the web – self-publishing, file sharing, and networking – granting users the ability to upload photos of themselves vomiting fish tacos outside their Cancun motels for billions of strangers to masturbate to. Blogging became a popular medium for sharing deep dark secrets to anyone who cared to read, which was usually nobody.

Web 3.0

Building upon the social networking initiative, this iteration of the Internet melded content, metadata, and sophisticated web services in technological matrimony to create the Semantic Web, a complete clusterfuck of information. It was now easier than ever to access sexy videos from any point on the Internet, using any connected device available. This often led to accessing tentacle rape porn via web-enabled toaster ovens.

Thanks to a global effort involving a partnership between Rogers, Google, and Red Lobster, everyone in the world was granted a plot on the web to maintain their virtual identity, and a generous allowance of Cheddar Bay Biscuits. Fueled by these cheesy delights, the content composing the Internet began to closely resembled that of downtown Detroit: There was tons of stuff to do, but nothing you’d want to get into.

Web 4.0

At long last, the state of computing hardware finally caught up to the speed of information, allowing for cheap, complete Internet immersion. The standard workstation was comprised of a large, plastic, airtight bubble with an interior lined with liquid displays. While entirely connected to the world, people were no longer required to be in physical contact with another human being. Ever.

In fact, these “Bubblenodes” doubled as affordable housing for most people – many who opted never to leave their pleasure paradises. Days were spent jacked-in and jacking off while work was completed at remote locations by pawn cyborgs and data critters. A virtual global currency was created based on the bit. Everyone was happily isolated.

Web 5.0

Web 6.0

The dawn of this era began with a social breakthrough called “physio-tangibility”, which involved two or more people occupying close, adjacent physical spaces while communicating. Understandably, this was a radical idea for most humans as their perceptions of digital and physical worlds blurred into a single universe. Other humans questioned the legality of the idea, citing amendments and risks involved with leaving their cyber slices.

This new method of information sharing awakened senses and emotions that laid dormant for decades. A simple physical touch began to surpass radio messages in importance. Smells released chemicals that overwhelmed the body and mind, causing lightheadedness and fainting. Tasting was divine. People began sharing fresh ideas. Intimate ideas. Reproduction.

A 300-kilometer whirlpool opened east of Socotra in the Indian Ocean. People traveled thousands of miles to heave circuit board bundles into the sea.

Glorious spam email. The constant reminder that my cock is no meatier than a roll of dimes, keeping my ego in check. The grizzled street-corner salesman, clad in sunglasses and a trench coat, peddling fake Swiss watches and pirated copies of Windows Vista. The love notes, riddled with spelling mistakes and grammatical errors, sent from “hot bitches” that want to talk dirty over IM yet have email addresses like bobjenkins@financialindustries.com.

Most of the spam I get is mediocre; its bland, poorly-written, and does not move me in the least to make a purchase or sign into my PayPal account because someone has hacked it and they need to confirm my identity. I need more than one line telling me “We carry the best watch copies on the Internet for the lowest prices” or “be a king in the bedroom make her scream for more”. You’ve targeted me as a tiny-dicked watch aficionado, which is accurate, but you’re still not speaking my language. Tug on my heartstrings a little.

Every once in a while I’ll receive something entertaining such as this:

Now that you’ve met a gal that’s hot
You wanna hump her tasteful twat.
She looks so sizzling, she’s so nice!
But would your penile size suffice?
Not sure she will long for more?
You need a dong she would adore!
But how to grow it long and thick?
Your only chance is MegaDik!
You’ll get so wanted super-size
And see wild craving in her eyes!
Your schlong will slam her box so deep,
Tonight you’ll hardly fall asleep!

So try today this wonder-pi’ll
And change your life at your own will!

Now that’s just amazing. I can almost see the top-hatted, mustachioed salesman of a late nineteenth century traveling medicine show singing these lines to a crowd of bewildered townsfolk while motioning to his well endowed Native American associate, breechcloth bulging with a massive herbalized boner. Unfortunately for the sender, only a small measure of carnivalesque excitement was captured in this email – enough for me to hover over the link before coming to my senses.

But a few weeks ago something extraordinary happened. I used to wonder how effective mass spam campaigns were – whether any consumers on the planet took these messages seriously. That all changed when I received this email:

Dear MKM, whose favorite movie is either Clerks or Donnie Darko depending on whichever direction the wind is blowing,

We know you are unhappy with the failing long-term relationship between yourself and your girlfriend and have administered excessive masturbation as a crutch to hobble over the pain it has caused you over the past year. We also know that, while showering every morning, you clean your eyelids with Kroger brand baby shampoo to wash away the crusties caused by your minor case of Blepharitis. This is especially strange because there are no Krogers in southern California; you must have come from elsewhere, say, I don’t know, Michigan or something. But I digress. You may have used this extra eye-scrubbing routine as an excuse explaining why you take 30 minute showers but we know the real reason: It’s because you spend half the time under your high-pressure shower head, face down, eyes closed, pondering your pathetic life.

So, it seems as though beating Double Dragon for the NES is still on your goal list. Don’t you think this is a pretty insignificant accomplishment? Instead of wasting hours of your short life attempting to destroy that machine gun dude at the end, you could be allocating your time in a more productive manner: learning new skills for your job, expanding your mind by reading and writing, or growing a gigantic boner that will strike fear in the hearts of your partners. That’s what’s really important.

Why not take this opportunity to ratchet up your cock size? We bet it will make you feel at least a little better – hell, it won’t make you feel any worse than you already do. With the increased length and girth you could start answering all those Craigslist casual encounters ads seeking males with giant penises. Just remember to double-bag it. Seriously. Also, don’t be so anal with the radio volume knob in your car. It doesn’t need to be exactly at four bars all the time.

You have nothing to lose. Click the link below and prepare yourself for a life-changing event. And stop picking at your skin. Pores are not zits.

Anyways, I’m about two weeks into taking these growth pills and the only thing that has increased is the frequency of anal leakage. Patience, my boy. Patience. I have two bottles left – I’ll keep you posted, Internet.

One of my coworkers posted an album containing photographs of his infant on Flickr because, apparently, that’s what you do when you have a baby. This way, friends and family members from around the globe can gaze upon your bundle of joy and oooooh and aaaaah and say things like:

• “Oh! He has Shirley’s nose!”
• “Hmm …that look’s like mom’s chin!”
• “Gad! He has Ralph’s temperament!”
• “Omigod why the fuck is he white?!”

And grandma still can’t say anything because she’s either dead or cannot, for the life of her, locate the small blue “E” shortcut you placed in the center of her empty desktop. This is considering you are not an evil bastard and opted not to loan her your old FreeBSD workstation. In that case she’s probably using it as a narrow end table.

Anyways, these baby pictures are fairly standard infant shots – you’ve got your “baby smiling in a car seat”, “baby being held by various family members”, and the obligatory “baby in a bear outfit”. All the bases are covered. Nothing out of the ordinary.

But then something interesting happened. And by “interesting” I mean “fucking crazy”. One day, a stranger (whom I will refer to as “Travis”) posted a comment on one of the photographs – a picture of the baby in diapers. The comment said:

what size pamper are those

It seemed like a weird comment for some random stranger to post so my coworker pulled up the user’s account and found himself staring at a photo album containing grown women and babies – all in diapers. Travis’ profile yielded a snapshot of his insane-looking mug and the following description:

i like to collect pics of babies wearing there wet diapers and pictures of cribs and crib mattress from every angle of them and different points of veiws of pics so send me some of ur pics of theses lets chat about them here are some of mine i found tell me wat u think of my pics lets share pics and let me know about mine and wat u think

I’m Male and Single.

Single? Really?

This is where things started to get awesome. Who the fuck is this guy? And is he for real? Disappointed in the lack of personal information in his profile, I scrolled down to check out his contacts – all six of them.

The first account was filled with snapshots of a pregnant woman and picture captions begging for comments. Most of the feedback applauded her sexiness and lusted over her huge preggo belly, and one of them mentioned cumming all over it. Of course, Travis posted a comment asking if she had any more diaper pics.

The second account contained photographs of dolls. That sounds lovely, doesn’t it? Now imagine pages of dolls being crushed in trash compactors full of stinky diapers, dolls stuffed with soiled diapers, dolls in a tub wearing – you guessed it. Dirty diapers. Travis left a comment proclaiming his love of wet diapers on a photo depicting a landfill, but the best comment by far was left by some user whose account was since deleted:

Did you see any diapers opened with poop?

Fuck yes.

The rest of them had their albums set to private; I can only imagine what insanity lived there. Possibly pregnant women eating chili out of bowls constructed with diapers and glue. Maybe goats wearing soggy diapers in a Jack in the Box parking lot while men wearing pregnancy suits humped car bumpers. Maybe something more insane.

As weird as this all was, I was still feeling alright with myself (in other words, I wasn’t nauseous – I mean, dolls stuffed with shitty diapers and cumming on pregnant bellies are both hot and all…) and felt like I was missing something. It turns out I was. The final section in his profile – his public groups – yielded one entry: the “Diaper Wearers” group.

I officially discovered the dark, soiled underbelly of the Internet. You know it’s there. Everyone knows it’s there. Everyone knows the world is full of strange and twisted individuals, but it never really sets in until your gazing upon it first-hand. Among the group threads about young men sharing pictures of them in pull-ups and old men in diapers was a short thread by our buddy Travis:

i jerk off and wear baby’s used and new diapers i wanna knw if any 1 else has done that before and or has been in a crib and jerked off in a baby’s wet diaper let me know. or if you have any photo’s of baby’s in bulging wet diapers or crib mattress pics email me

Jackpot.

Now, is it wrong to judge a person based on their fetishes, no matter how obscure (and by “obscure” I mean “fucked-up”)? Who cares I like to jack off to grannies in overalls while listening to Evanescence? I don’t really, but did reading that alter your opinion of me? Actually, it’s probably pretty low anyways; you just read a blog entry I wrote about soggy diapers.

People are entitled to their idiosyncrasies as long as they aren’t creepy fuckers about it. I relate back to my coworker’s infant and what Travis probably did with the diaper picture. Had he resisted leaving an asinine comment on the picture everything would still be dandy – the whole “what you don’t know can’t hurt you” rule. Hell, it could even be considered my coworker’s fault for keeping his baby pictures public. But since he broke that barrier, a child’s history is forever soiled (no pun intended).

Click here to view Travis’ flickr account profile.

Unfortunately, Travis’ account has been canceled—most likely due to a terms of service violation. Bummer. I really wanted to fuck with this guy.