Your sister is getting married next month? Impress your family by bringing a date to the wedding! No longer will grandpa question your sexuality. Show him who’s the fucking MAN by bringing a certified grade-A piece of ass to the reception. Are the bimbos you normally bang utterly embarrassing with backwards logic and lack of grace? Ditch those bitches! Let your new scholarly date impress everyone within earshot while she spouts a profound analysis of Walt Whitman’s “Song of Myself”. Is your ex-girlfriend going to be in attendance? Oops! Shove your voluptuous slice of heaven in her face and laugh as she runs off in tears.

I know what you’re thinking. “Escort service.” But why play by their shady rules when you can invent your own? Why pay hundreds of dollars when you can bring a willing guest for free?

How is this possible?

THROUGH THE AMAZING POWERS OF CRAIGSLIST!

In case you are unfamiliar, Craigslist is an online service that was created 12 years ago for the sole purpose of finding people to have sex with. Over the years it has blossomed into a thriving community covering a wide spectrum of topics, offering services such as housing rentals, job postings, classifieds, and community forums. Today we’ll be using Craigslist to get your sorry ass a pleasing wedding date.

Step #1: Determine the correct section for your post.

Craigslist can be a daunting place. The layout is bland and harbors hundreds of links cluttering any given page. Luckily for us, the “Personals” section seems like the perfect place to find our amazing female companion. But which “Personals” section should you post under?

Well, that depends on your agenda. Are you seeking a business arrangement? I’d recommend posting in “Strictly Platonic”. Does the prospect of hot fucking after the wedding excite you? Then summon your courage and post in “Casual Encounters”. Want to keep if open-ended? “Men Seeking Women” should work well for you. If you’re thinking about posting in multiple sections, use caution: community members tend to frown upon this practice and your posts may get flagged.

Step #2: Write your ad.

Be completely honest about your intentions and get straight to the point, stating specific guidelines and necessary attributes. The more specific you are, the better your results will be. When imagining your dream date, remember to be as selfless as possible – this is more for your family than yourself.

Explain why you need a date for this wedding and what your future intentions are. My best advice is to leave it open-ended, but stating that you have no time to concentrate on a serious relationship due to your World of Warcraft addiction is fine as well – the prospect of closure may create a less stressful situation. Be aware that this is not the time to seek a WoW-playing vampiress unless your mother has at least two level 70’s.

State specific physical and mental requirements including weight and height ranges, ethnicity, education level, and employment. Some of these metrics may not seem important, but remember – you’re catering to as many family members as you can. In situations where preferences clash, cater to the eldest relative. You want them to die as happily as possible.

Step #3: Post and prune.

You’ll need an efficient way to organize all the ladies once the responses to your post pour in like a torrent of lava. Ignore vague and questionable emails. Print out promising responses and compile a spreadsheet of your contact activity with each. Pretend you’re an employer with a stack of resumes.

Respond to each approved email with a coffee or lunch offer; meeting your potential wedding date will aid in the screening process. Depending on the size of your list, this may get somewhat expensive. If finances are an issue, offer to meet her somewhere else, such as a park or square. A public place will keep things light and provide both parties with some level of anonymity.

After your selection has been made, kindly thank the remaining candidates for their interest and make plans for the wedding. If the date is still a few weeks away, maintain contact with your girl – but not too much contact, unless you two really hit it off (which is doubtful). You don’t want things to fall apart before the date.

So there you have it.

The magical evening is up to you. I’d recommend holding your date’s hand during the reception, being attentive to her needs, and initiating at least one passionate make-out session by the restrooms. Of course, these details must be mutual – most likely worked out ahead of time. This situation could potentially backfire, lowering your family’s opinion of you (if that’s even possible). Nobody wants a rapist for a relative.

Now go knock ‘em dead, kiddo.

Hope this helps.