Early History

Before the Internet as we know it, there existed a variety of bulletin board systems and other methods of communication via computer terminal over dial-up. Although these systems were created primarily to exchange favorite D&D battle yarns and play email chess, they also allowed users to share their rich collections of ASCII porn.

Behold:

( . )( . )

The breasts.

(_ | _)

The butt.

(Side note: Isn’t it strange how boobs and asses look similar?)

Web 1.0

This important stage of the Internet brought us the modern graphical web browser which supported rich full-color porn, bringing hardcore fucking to the masses. Thousands of children lost their innocence too early and millions of adults discovered erotic fetishes they never thought existed, including yiffing. It was a grand, global learning experience.

Modern Internet technologies began to support online commerce, meaning users could now purchase huge glass dildos and soft fake vaginas from the privacy of their computer dens. The most noteworthy union of huge fake tits and commercialism was the Real Doll, which revolutionized the sex lives of UNIX administrators around the globe. Other sectors of business attempted to jump onto the virtual bandwagon, with most ultimately failing because consumers generally only purchase things that make them cum.

Web 2.0

As computer technologies continued advancing at breakneck speeds, websites began integrating ridiculous animations and treating their pages like desktop applications, rendering 98% of the Internet unusable. A technology called Flash forced website visitors to sit through shitty animated intros before entering actual sites. A technology called AJAX dynamically updated web pages using painfully slow JavaScript animations, effectively rendering “back” buttons useless.

This era of the Internet is noted for advancing the more “social” aspects of the web – self-publishing, file sharing, and networking – granting users the ability to upload photos of themselves vomiting fish tacos outside their Cancun motels for billions of strangers to masturbate to. Blogging became a popular medium for sharing deep dark secrets to anyone who cared to read, which was usually nobody.

Web 3.0

Building upon the social networking initiative, this iteration of the Internet melded content, metadata, and sophisticated web services in technological matrimony to create the Semantic Web, a complete clusterfuck of information. It was now easier than ever to access sexy videos from any point on the Internet, using any connected device available. This often led to accessing tentacle rape porn via web-enabled toaster ovens.

Thanks to a global effort involving a partnership between Rogers, Google, and Red Lobster, everyone in the world was granted a plot on the web to maintain their virtual identity, and a generous allowance of Cheddar Bay Biscuits. Fueled by these cheesy delights, the content composing the Internet began to closely resembled that of downtown Detroit: There was tons of stuff to do, but nothing you’d want to get into.

Web 4.0

At long last, the state of computing hardware finally caught up to the speed of information, allowing for cheap, complete Internet immersion. The standard workstation was comprised of a large, plastic, airtight bubble with an interior lined with liquid displays. While entirely connected to the world, people were no longer required to be in physical contact with another human being. Ever.

In fact, these “Bubblenodes” doubled as affordable housing for most people – many who opted never to leave their pleasure paradises. Days were spent jacked-in and jacking off while work was completed at remote locations by pawn cyborgs and data critters. A virtual global currency was created based on the bit. Everyone was happily isolated.

Web 5.0

Web 6.0

The dawn of this era began with a social breakthrough called “physio-tangibility”, which involved two or more people occupying close, adjacent physical spaces while communicating. Understandably, this was a radical idea for most humans as their perceptions of digital and physical worlds blurred into a single universe. Other humans questioned the legality of the idea, citing amendments and risks involved with leaving their cyber slices.

This new method of information sharing awakened senses and emotions that laid dormant for decades. A simple physical touch began to surpass radio messages in importance. Smells released chemicals that overwhelmed the body and mind, causing lightheadedness and fainting. Tasting was divine. People began sharing fresh ideas. Intimate ideas. Reproduction.

A 300-kilometer whirlpool opened east of Socotra in the Indian Ocean. People traveled thousands of miles to heave circuit board bundles into the sea.