Your sister is getting married next month? Impress your family by bringing a date to the wedding! No longer will grandpa question your sexuality. Show him who’s the fucking MAN by bringing a certified grade-A piece of ass to the reception. Are the bimbos you normally bang utterly embarrassing with backwards logic and lack of grace? Ditch those bitches! Let your new scholarly date impress everyone within earshot while she spouts a profound analysis of Walt Whitman’s “Song of Myself”. Is your ex-girlfriend going to be in attendance? Oops! Shove your voluptuous slice of heaven in her face and laugh as she runs off in tears.

I know what you’re thinking. “Escort service.” But why play by their shady rules when you can invent your own? Why pay hundreds of dollars when you can bring a willing guest for free?

How is this possible?

THROUGH THE AMAZING POWERS OF CRAIGSLIST!

In case you are unfamiliar, Craigslist is an online service that was created 12 years ago for the sole purpose of finding people to have sex with. Over the years it has blossomed into a thriving community covering a wide spectrum of topics, offering services such as housing rentals, job postings, classifieds, and community forums. Today we’ll be using Craigslist to get your sorry ass a pleasing wedding date.

Step #1: Determine the correct section for your post.

Craigslist can be a daunting place. The layout is bland and harbors hundreds of links cluttering any given page. Luckily for us, the “Personals” section seems like the perfect place to find our amazing female companion. But which “Personals” section should you post under?

Well, that depends on your agenda. Are you seeking a business arrangement? I’d recommend posting in “Strictly Platonic”. Does the prospect of hot fucking after the wedding excite you? Then summon your courage and post in “Casual Encounters”. Want to keep if open-ended? “Men Seeking Women” should work well for you. If you’re thinking about posting in multiple sections, use caution: community members tend to frown upon this practice and your posts may get flagged.

Step #2: Write your ad.

Be completely honest about your intentions and get straight to the point, stating specific guidelines and necessary attributes. The more specific you are, the better your results will be. When imagining your dream date, remember to be as selfless as possible – this is more for your family than yourself.

Explain why you need a date for this wedding and what your future intentions are. My best advice is to leave it open-ended, but stating that you have no time to concentrate on a serious relationship due to your World of Warcraft addiction is fine as well – the prospect of closure may create a less stressful situation. Be aware that this is not the time to seek a WoW-playing vampiress unless your mother has at least two level 70’s.

State specific physical and mental requirements including weight and height ranges, ethnicity, education level, and employment. Some of these metrics may not seem important, but remember – you’re catering to as many family members as you can. In situations where preferences clash, cater to the eldest relative. You want them to die as happily as possible.

Step #3: Post and prune.

You’ll need an efficient way to organize all the ladies once the responses to your post pour in like a torrent of lava. Ignore vague and questionable emails. Print out promising responses and compile a spreadsheet of your contact activity with each. Pretend you’re an employer with a stack of resumes.

Respond to each approved email with a coffee or lunch offer; meeting your potential wedding date will aid in the screening process. Depending on the size of your list, this may get somewhat expensive. If finances are an issue, offer to meet her somewhere else, such as a park or square. A public place will keep things light and provide both parties with some level of anonymity.

After your selection has been made, kindly thank the remaining candidates for their interest and make plans for the wedding. If the date is still a few weeks away, maintain contact with your girl – but not too much contact, unless you two really hit it off (which is doubtful). You don’t want things to fall apart before the date.

So there you have it.

The magical evening is up to you. I’d recommend holding your date’s hand during the reception, being attentive to her needs, and initiating at least one passionate make-out session by the restrooms. Of course, these details must be mutual – most likely worked out ahead of time. This situation could potentially backfire, lowering your family’s opinion of you (if that’s even possible). Nobody wants a rapist for a relative.

Now go knock ‘em dead, kiddo.

Hope this helps.

First, you must select a situation. This situation will most likely be at the end of something, but the beginning of something is not unheard of. Know that some situations require a bow due to social standards, while bowing in other situations can be detrimental. Social situations are preferable but feel free to bow in isolation should the situation arise.

If you are having trouble discovering a situation, know this about life: It is an infallible chain of situations. Take your pick. This step will become natural.

Here are appropriate situations to bow at the end of:

• Yanking a tablecloth from under a table cluttered with dinner.
  • If the trick was successful, it will add flair.
  • If the trick was a disaster, it will add humor.
• Catching yourself from falling down a flight of stairs.
• Serving a grand breakfast.
• Butchering karaoke.
  • If the performance was exceptionally bad, take another bow.
• Rescuing a kitten stranded on an inflatable donut in the middle of an above-ground pool.

Here are appropriate situations to bow at the beginning of:

• Greeting royalty.
• Moments before crawling into a cannon with the intent of being shot through five flaming rings.
• Serving a grand breakfast.
• Taking the podium during a “how to bow” seminar.

Here are situations where bowing is unacceptable:

• Punching someone in the stomach because their parents just bought them an Xbox 360.
• Rape.
• Stranding a kitten on an inflatable donut in the middle of an above-ground pool.
  • May be acceptable if the kitten is unlikable.
• Getting caught eating unpurchased bananas at Albertsons.
• Ordering waffles.
  • May be acceptable if overcoming a breakfast-related phobia.

After you have selected a situation, it’s time to start bowing. Place your right hand over your waist and place your left hand behind your lower back. If you are left-handed, reverse this placement and ponder the cards life has dealt you. Now, bend your torso forward while keeping your balance. Pause a moment before resuming an upright position, hands at your sides.

The duration of your bow depends on many factors:

• For larger audiences, bow deeper.
• If a beautiful girl was entwined in the chosen situation, bow deeper.
• If clapping is vigorous, bow deeper.
• For life-threatening situations, bow deeper.
• For any situation involving kittens or waffles, bow deeper.

Once your bow is complete, return to your life as normal. Nobody prizes arrogance, save the arrogant. Understand that while the bow offers a fleeting burst of pleasure, more opportunities to utilize this performance tool will surface during the course of your life – unless you become quadriplegic. In that case, ponder the cards life has dealt you, purchase some voice recognition software, and enroll in World of Warcraft.

Hope this helps.