I bet at least one of you is wondering where I’ve been for the past month, so I’ll address this special entry to a special person:

Hi, mom. I know you’ve missed my rants on fucking this and shitting on that, but you’ll be glad to know that I’ve returned to the Internet. My life has been in pieces for the last 24 days and much like those huge puzzles we used to enjoy before I learned how to masturbate, it required intense concentration and epic tedium to complete this masterpiece.

To decode the above blockquote, I’ve moved into a cave of seclusion and have been preoccupied with the many nuances of relocating. Here’s what I’ve done instead of writing:

• Bought a really nice frying pan from Target for cooking eggs and cracking heads.
• Transported a bunch of boxes containing nostalgic garbage that I’ll probably never sift through from one house to another.
• Rescued a cheeky zebra from the clutches of DR. D’ARGONNE.
• Ate at least two egg, sausage, and cheese breakfast sandwiches on everything bagels from Einstein Bros.
• Received a $47 parking ticket for not crimping my tires on a hill.
• Started playing Final Fantasy II for the SNES (I just obtained the Earth Crystal from the Dark Elf and I’m about to rescue Rosa).
• Vacuumed my old room for the first time in hopes of receiving some deposit cash.
• Bought a $20 toilet brush from Target (what the fuck was I thinking?)
• Built a Rube Goldberg machine using only folding ironing boards and stale Funyuns.
• Started eating cold cereal again.
• Bought plane tickets to Phoeniz, Arizona and Seattle, Washington.
• Constructed no less than twelve pieces of Ikea furniture.
• Visited Ikea no less than six times.
• Repaired this blogging engine because my shared hosting provider likes to upgrade ruby gems seemingly randomly, thus breaking 90% of my installed applications. In all fairness, they probably posted an announcement on their blog so I guess it’s my fault. For less than $10 a month I can’t complain. Speaking of which, does anyone out there want a Dreamhost account? I’m running out of referral credits.
• Discovered a new-found hatred for Freehand.
• Discovered a new-found love for water bears.
• Discovered that free neighborhood wifi is really shitty.
• Developed a crush on Bristol Palin.

I’ve also spent ample time putting my studio together. Here’s what it might look like:

Here’s what it probably doesn’t look like:

So worry not loyal readers, I’m back an have a new found boner for writing. (For those of you counting at home, that equals two boners.) Expect a real post sometime next week, most likely about moving …because that’s all I’ve been doing really. Well, that and daydreaming about Bristol Palin.