Bad conversations tend to happen. You’ll be at a party and someone will comment on your pants and before you know it, you’ve just spent ten brain-melting minutes discussing the merits of button-down shirts. Or maybe you’re at a restaurant and you bump into someone wearing a University of Whatever sweatshirt (oh – I went to that school!) so you’ll debate how awesome the dining common’s grilled cheeses tasted (they were super-sweet …but I was also stoned every day). Once conversations like these end, each participant walks away harboring a sinking feeling and sick heart – pretty much exactly how you felt last weekend after accidentally having sex with that chubby Mexican freshmen with the lazy eye and annoying dachshund.

It doesn’t need to be this way. There are at least seven thousand intriguing things you could be talking about that will lead to conversations several times more interesting than any dialogue about Ikea dressers. The trick is to forge the discussion on your terms, and the best way to accomplish this is with a groundbreaking opener:

I wonder what you’d look like pregnant.

Either a genuine curiosity or a twisted pick-up line – only you will know for sure. This one works great on girls and guys.

Considerations: May not be as effective when conversing with actual pregnant people.

Have you tried the artichoke dip? It tastes like a mole den.

This works best if you’re actually carrying around artichoke dip you brought from home. Bonus points if the dip is in a special container. I like to use my tiny plastic baby teeth treasure chest, complete with rotting molars poking out like ocean bathers.

Considerations: If artichoke dip is already being served at the social event, don’t bother. It will yield conversations as inane as the Jonas Brothers’ career.

If Count Chocula was accused of rape, would you defend him in a court of law?

A tricky inquiry indeed. One one hand, he’s a grown man who wears short capes and loves children (I’ve seen pre-teens eating elaborate breakfasts in his secluded castle). On the other hand, his cereal has helped you through your most depressing years.

Considerations: Feel free to substitute any of the monster-themed Cereal mascots: Franken Berry, Boo Berry, Fruit Brute, and Yummy Mummy are all ghastly pedophiles.

You look like you’d be proficient at repairing wristwatches.

Compliments are often the best opening lines as they put your converser in a cheery mood. Be sure to mention how agile his or her fingers look, even if they appear lackadaisical.

Considerations: Make sure you’re not talking to a watchsmith, unless you really want to discuss timepieces all evening. Also, make sure you’re talking to someone with fingers.

Which Microsoft Office app would make the best one night stand?

Visio 2007 would be the obvious choice because UML diagrams are hot as shit, but this is completely subjective I suppose. Perhaps the overly-calculated Excel would be a popular choice as well – they don’t call them “spreadsheets” for nothing (insert rimshot).

Considerations: Change it up by going open source with OpenOffice.org. You might meet someone better at grepping and fscking then you.

I’ve found that churning butter makes life less complicated.

Things were simpler in the old country – except for the whole Black Plague thing. That sucked for a lot of people.

Considerations: Don’t mention the Black Plague.

We should all aspire to be like David Duchovny.

I applaud the strength David summoned to check himself into sex addiction rehab. On the same token, I often imagine his sexcapades as being magnificent productions involving interplanetary visitors and the supernatural …or maybe just women with masks and large hands. I watched the X-Files religiously in middle school because I wanted to make out with an obsessed girl in my orchestra class. That didn’t work out so well.

Considerations: The truth is out there. Seriously. Good fucking luck.

I have a task for you. This weekend, go to some random bar, approach a complete stranger, and fire up a conversation using one of the above openers. I guarantee you won’t be disappointed – unless you get arrested for harassment. Unless, of course, that is your goal. If so, congratulations in advance from the bottom of my intrigued heart.

Together, we can make this world a more interesting place. Maybe.

First, you must select a situation. This situation will most likely be at the end of something, but the beginning of something is not unheard of. Know that some situations require a bow due to social standards, while bowing in other situations can be detrimental. Social situations are preferable but feel free to bow in isolation should the situation arise.

If you are having trouble discovering a situation, know this about life: It is an infallible chain of situations. Take your pick. This step will become natural.

Here are appropriate situations to bow at the end of:

• Yanking a tablecloth from under a table cluttered with dinner.
  • If the trick was successful, it will add flair.
  • If the trick was a disaster, it will add humor.
• Catching yourself from falling down a flight of stairs.
• Serving a grand breakfast.
• Butchering karaoke.
  • If the performance was exceptionally bad, take another bow.
• Rescuing a kitten stranded on an inflatable donut in the middle of an above-ground pool.

Here are appropriate situations to bow at the beginning of:

• Greeting royalty.
• Moments before crawling into a cannon with the intent of being shot through five flaming rings.
• Serving a grand breakfast.
• Taking the podium during a “how to bow” seminar.

Here are situations where bowing is unacceptable:

• Punching someone in the stomach because their parents just bought them an Xbox 360.
• Rape.
• Stranding a kitten on an inflatable donut in the middle of an above-ground pool.
  • May be acceptable if the kitten is unlikable.
• Getting caught eating unpurchased bananas at Albertsons.
• Ordering waffles.
  • May be acceptable if overcoming a breakfast-related phobia.

After you have selected a situation, it’s time to start bowing. Place your right hand over your waist and place your left hand behind your lower back. If you are left-handed, reverse this placement and ponder the cards life has dealt you. Now, bend your torso forward while keeping your balance. Pause a moment before resuming an upright position, hands at your sides.

The duration of your bow depends on many factors:

• For larger audiences, bow deeper.
• If a beautiful girl was entwined in the chosen situation, bow deeper.
• If clapping is vigorous, bow deeper.
• For life-threatening situations, bow deeper.
• For any situation involving kittens or waffles, bow deeper.

Once your bow is complete, return to your life as normal. Nobody prizes arrogance, save the arrogant. Understand that while the bow offers a fleeting burst of pleasure, more opportunities to utilize this performance tool will surface during the course of your life – unless you become quadriplegic. In that case, ponder the cards life has dealt you, purchase some voice recognition software, and enroll in World of Warcraft.

Hope this helps.