Princess Peach

Behind your innocent appearance and classy demeanor lies a filthy slut waiting to get ravaged by hard cocks. You’re not fooling anyone, except maybe for Luigi who is a bumbling idiot. Sure, your high acceleration proves to be an asset on the circuit, but it will only scar your perfect complexion as you naively speed from relationship to relationship, blindly trusting on a mission to please. Your pure heart is a facade; try concentrating on yourself to find true happiness.

Luigi

Remember that time you accidentally touched your assigned lab partner’s breast in 10th grade biology? It was the fetal pig dissection lab and you labored over the pan while your full-bosomed partner stood by idly, disgusted and bored. Your hand brushed against the side of her left tit while you reached for the forceps. It was the best day of your pathetic life. I bet your father is proud.

Toad

Happy, helpful, and easily excitable, you tend to blow your wad prematurely but are quick to offer alternate stimulating assistance after you’re spent. This assistance usually consists of holding the front door open as your partner bolts for her car, eager to get fucked like a dirty pig elsewhere – mostly likely deep within Wario’s pleasure dungeon. Despite your sexual addictions, your life of constant service leaves little time to get your dick wet other than the occasional sloppy seconds – usually when your friend’s partner has passed out for the evening. You truly are one sick little bastard.

Dry Bones

Yeah. You don’t give a FUCK. You live in a world where EPCs and wire coat hangers are legitimate forms of birth control and anything with a hole is fair game (animal, mineral, or vegetable). Reckless lifestyle choices have broken your body countless times, but you always manage to piece yourself together quickly thanks to your mini-turbo bonuses. Keep speeding along, you boner on wheels.

Mii

You know that scene in American Psycho with the two hookers? Yeah, you know what I’m talking about. That’s you: narcissistic pig.

Funky Kong

The cadence of romance is ingrained deep within your soul. Your rhythmic hip-thrusts and kamasutric knowledge can make any partner writhe with pleasure, as long as she’s into your thick tufts of back and chest hair. Though outwardly energetic, you’re slow to start (most likely due to ED as a result of hitting the pipe over the years). But once in gear, your speed is unparalleled – like a jackhammer. Just don’t break it.

Wario

In high school you were voted “most likely to red sock and love it”, a title you have surpassed in your later years. Vile. Greedy. Disgusting. You pray upon emotional wreckage and always get your way – and if you don’t, you turn to RAPING. That’s right, I know your dark secret. I saw you behind the Circle K last weekend with Princess Daisy, and that sure as hell wasn’t consensual.

Birdo

Sexually ambiguous and full of love, your truly are an enigma. From your oversized bow to your giant egg-spitting snout, you’ve dazzled the most …ah …prestigious …um …ok. Seriously, I have no idea what to say about this. WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU???