Pop-Tart Surprise

Ingredients

• 4 boneless, skinless chicken breasts
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1 teaspoon garlic powder
• 3 tablespoons butter
• 2 Pop-Tarts (any flavor, unfrosted recommended)
• 2 cups maple syrup
• 1 cup sprinkles (may substitute Red Hots)

Directions

1. Season chicken breasts with salt and garlic powder. Gently hum a happy tune.
2. Melt butter in a pan on medium-high heat. Place breasts in pan, turning them frequently until brown. Cook for about 10 minutes or until breasts are cooked all the way through. I just said “breasts” twice in that step. Sweet.
3. Toast the Pop-Tarts on medium heat. Meanwhile, slice each chicken breast almost to the edge sideways, making a long, deep insertion (that’s what she said).
4. Cut each toasted Pop-Tart in half vertically. Carefully open each sliced breast and shove a Pop-Tart half in the opened slit. Close the slit and trim remaining Pop-Tart edges peeking out from the breast.
5. Place each breast on a fancy plate and pour ½ cup maple syrup over it. Garnish with ¼ cup sprinkles. Serves four.

While the above recipe is ridiculously tasty, it fails to whet my appetite for adventure. I firmly believe that half the fun of cooking should derive from the ingredient gathering process. This next recipe combines my nostalgia of Final Fantasy XI with my love of desserts. Strap on your broadsword and let’s get started.

Golf Cake

Ingredients

• 1 Earth Crystal
• 2 Slabs of Golfer
• 2 White Wheat
• 4 Temecula Sugar
• 1 Sweet Butter

Directions

1. First you’ll need an Earth Crystal; these can be farmed quite easily off standard woodland creatures. For the inexperienced adventurer I would recommend hunting various squirrels and rabbits, although their drop rate is quite low. Advanced hunters should concentrate their efforts on Bugbears.
2. Slabs of Golfer are another easy commodity to obtain. Any golf-oriented terrain will be populated by mobs that drop said slabs – just look for the electric carts, their favored mount. Pursue the older mobs but be wary of the youngsters as they tend to agro. A sledgehammer to the face should send them reeling.
3. This is where things start to get tricky. Although both White Wheat and Sweet Butter can be farmed at most malls, only a small window of opportunity exists to obtain each drop. Grey Sweat Zombies, recognizable by their wispy grey hair and sweatpants, roam the mall corridors from 6:00AM till 7:00AM and sometimes drop White Wheat. Pink Hot Nast, a semi-rare creature appearing between 8:15PM and 9:00PM and often accompanied by Buff Douchebags (who agro on sight), yields Sweet Butter, but is hotly camped. Both luck and timing must be on your side.
4. Quite possibly the most annoying ingredient to farm ever, Temecula Sugar is only dropped by Fry Cooks in the Jack In The Box on Jefferson Ave in Temecula, California. Here’s a map if you need help:
   
   
   
   
5. Combine the edible ingredients with the Earth Crystal and concentrate hard. Tada! Golf Cake.

Unfortunately, I cannot take credit for this last recipe although I wish I could. Bestowed upon the world by the legendary Dirty D, this breakfast achieves brilliance through simplicity. Behold:

Dirty D’s Bagged Bud and Cheerios

Ingredients

• 2 cups Cheerios
• 1 cup milk
• 1 Budweiser tallboy
• 1 brown paper lunch bag

Directions

1. Pour Cheerios in a bowl.
2. Pour milk on cereal.
3. Place tallboy in brown paper lunch bag and crack it open.
4. Enjoy!